I have never felt more bipolar than I have on this adventure. It is emotionally, physically and mentally draining. Somehow even on these glorious NYC days off I managed to get stressed out and at my wits ends.
Being in tight spaces with 9 people is tricky no matter what the situation, but I’m in an extra sticky place since I’m the only one of the 9 who didn’t know the group coming into the trip. I knew Kanne and Rossi, but only from brief bouts of working together on music relations. It also doesn’t help that my position on the tour is to be the responsible one, the one who manages the tour. No one likes the bad cop, amiright?
I’m pretty sure I’m losing my mind half the time on this adventure. I struggle. I want to cry (and I have twice). I want to breakdown and go home. But I don’t. I’m here to learn and here for the adventure. I’m chasing a dream that I’ve had for the last 10 years, how many people can say that?
For every time that something goes bad or I feel disrespected, there’s another five things that put me on a high! The successes, the shows, the fans… There are so many great things about this trip that I can’t let myself dwell on the bummers.
But that’s easier said than done. During the bad times, I struggle. I haven’t found my footing to really understand how to overcome it. I can usually fix things pretty easy, but not everything is fixable. And I don’t have the respect of someone who’s opinion should really matter that much. My bandaid is to call Austin and vent about everything (but honestly how much bad stuff does someone want to hear before the mute me?). But it’s just that, a bandaid. A temporary fix to help myself move on quickly without actually fixing the problem. I think things could be different with a different group, but it isn’t changing in the last few weeks of tour- and I have to accept that.
Instead of dwelling on the little stuff that drives me crazy- like checking out of hotels late, not being a team player, or taking 45 minute gas station stops- I’m making it my personal goal to tune it out and move on. It will take someone with a lot more power and reputation than me to knock some responsibly into this group and have the respect while doing it. But that’s okay. We’re young- and we’re learning. That’s the beauty of this. I’m learning to give up control, even when I am in a controlling position, because that’s not going to help move us forward as a group.
Here’s to trying to let things slide- but still do the best I can do as a Tour Manager. We’ll see how these last few weeks play out. Stay tuned…