I’m freaking myself out over nothing. I’m completely lost in my own mind, trapped by worst-case scenarios and negative thoughts. They completely consume me, my whole being. It’s impossible to focus on the good things, they feel so far and in between. Is anything really that good, or did I just tell myself it was to feel better? I’m not living in the moment. I’m not appreciating what’s around me, or who’s around me.
I feel like my world is imploding on me. Crashing down and devouring what’s left of my soul. I get stuck in my head. I’m in my head right now. Why am I writing this down? I don’t want proof this happened, that I said this. Stop, Casey, just stop.
Stop the conversations in my brain. Stop the voice yelling at me telling me that I fucked it all up. Stop destroying relationships. Quit creating stories and feelings that are skewed from reality. There’s no glimmer of truth in real life, but in my head it’s nothing but the truth.
Every word, action and moment of silence. Every communication- or lack there or- on a constant loop in my brain. I can’t shut my eyes, I can’t turn it off. I get deeper into a hole, creating a narrative that shuts the world out.
I don’t communicate with people, I communicate with myself. I don’t let anyone else get hurt by the demons in my head, pushing them away before they get to close. I push buttons on those closest to me, trying to have them remove themselves from the situation that is me. Go away, but on your own accord, not because I want you to.
I’m scared. I’m alone. I don’t know how to love because the fear of not being loved back haunts me. Petrified to be vulnerable in my human relationships, I resort back to my head and my own voice. I don’t show anyone I’m fragile. I work through my emotions and my terrors. I start again the next day- strong and capable, as if nothing ever happened.
But the cycle repeats. l’m still broken. I still failed. I want to open up. I want to breathe. I want to communicate with the people around me, and not with my inner voice.
I want to break the cycle and get off the ride. But it’s hard to get off the ride when your head’s still spinning.